I’m writing this from memory because I am unwilling to watch this film again. I don’t believe I could be paid enough to watch it again. Name an incentive, and it will be insufficient.
Into The Woods angered me. I was shaken to my core and I wanted to melt into an ooze which would subsequently seep into my carpet, leaving a pronounced stain. I’ve only ever seen a few movies so mind-numbing and awful that I found myself livid at having been exposed to the filth. In comparison, if someone were to expose my face to a pile of assorted garbage, I might claim it to be a more pleasant experience than the one I had with Into The Woods. I would have trouble finding another film so abysmal; I’ve seen many films which are poorly made or otherwise boring and unintelligent (‘Manos: Hands of Fate’ comes to mind).
Characters disappear constantly and permanently, to be called dead by others later on. Every protagonist is more detestable in ethical sanity than any antagonist. This film is filled with nonsense and takes itself completely seriously. None of it is funny, and I don’t think it’s trying to be, but it plays out as the most poorly made farce imaginable. I don’t even have a comparison for this. I am unsure any comparison could do justice to the sheer magnitude of atrocity which is supposedly considered a film. I abhor this film. I believe all copies should be destroyed. I hope the writers and directors never work in Hollywood again. I want somebody to be punished somehow for their skulduggery. I couldn’t fathom the lack of quality in this film. Within twenty minutes I considered leaving the cinema in favor of staring at a wall outside of the building. There’s a scene with Chris Pine in which he sings and dances in an amusing fashion. That was a couple of minutes out of this slog in which I was not furious with my predicament, until the monotonous assault of my senses resumed promptly. The song was called Agony and it somehow accurately described how I felt during the movie.
This film insults the viewer’s intelligence, and attacks the foundation of a moral spectrum. I wished gleefully for all of the supposedly good characters to be killed in the third act by a certain creature, only for them to prevail for some convoluted and absurd reason. It’s fine to have antiheroes and it’s great to have understandable villains, yet there’s nothing to be gained by having one’s main characters painted as heroes while being more heinous and devious than most action movie baddies.
This is naturally a film which belongs perfectly as Egregious. It’s one of the worst films I’ve ever seen, and probably ever will see. I wish I hadn’t sat through such a bastardization of fantasy elements and children’s stories. I would have been better off, especially considering the talent of some of the actors here. It’s memorable for all the wrong reasons.